looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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