Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
