My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
