Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
