Please, let me fuck your mom
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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