I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
