i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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