i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
