My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
