I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
