hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
