Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
