Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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