I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
