I just threw up on my dentist
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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