I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
