I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
