Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
