I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
