Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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