you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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