The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
