if only i could text you this smell
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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