A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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