Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
