I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
