Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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