I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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