Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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