But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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