Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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