Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
