Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
