my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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