Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
