I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
