I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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