I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
