As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
