the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
