just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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