The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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