I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
