can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
