Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
