she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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