I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
