she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
