I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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