He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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